today my mom really made me sad. as i was heading downstairs, she completely tore apart the outfit i had chosen to wear for work, saying that i “looked terrible” and that, basically, because of my race and appearance there are certain things i cannot afford to do in the workplace. regardless of whether or not she is correct (i can see both sides), she completely tore down my self esteem and i spent the entire 48 minute car ride to work listening to phoebe bridgers, ethel cain, and sad broadway musical theater tunes. lol. (more on this later)
one of my favorite songs from ethel cain (her real name being hayden anhedönia) is “sun bleached flies” off of her GROUNDBREAKING debut album, preacher’s daughter – a concept album detailing the gruesome, divinely haunting story of a young preacher’s daughter who is brought up under a spiritually and sexually abusive minister in the small town of nowhereville, USA, who then goes on the run to avoid the police after her beloved boyfriend is caught up in trouble and who ultimately ends up being trafficked and cannibalized by the man she met on the road. there’s a lot more to it than that, but that’s the basis of it. themes of religious trauma, the complexity and fluid nature of faith, and [frayed] family ties abound, it’s become one of my favorite pieces – and has been my top album on my spotify wrapped for the past two years.
sun bleached flies is an especially poignant and special track to me. the tragic, harrowing tale of ethel cain has almost come to a close at this point in the album, with this track symbolizing ethel’s ascent to heaven after being brutally murdered by lover-turned-pimp-turned cult leader, isaiah, and coming to accept her fate whilst letting go of all of the trauma she has endured throughout her life. the last two stanzas of this emotionally swelling and grandiose track, riddled with sweeping harmonica solos and the feel of an emotional alter call, are some of my most cherished declarations on this album.
if it’s meant to be then it will be
so i met him there and told him i believed
if it’s meant to be then it will be
i forgive it all as it comes back to me
and i’m still praying for that house in nebraska
by the highway out on the edge of town
dancing with the windows open
i can’t let go if something’s broken
it’s all i know
and it’s all i want now
the feeling of letting go, the need and the want to let go of things and people and settings that no longer apply to me or serve me have been some of the most relevant themes of my life for, i would say, the past five years or so. granted, my life has not been nearly as tragic as the fictional ethel’s, but there are many things buried deep within my soul that i am desperate to free myself from yet am simultaneously tethered to.
i’ve been actively/subconsciously on this great redemption arc and path to healing for a while now, but i’m unsure if i’ve ever gone in depth about what it is i am tethered to and need to let go of, which is necessary if i want to be released from this cycle and make my ethel-like ascent to a higher plane or state of existence. i am tethered to the toxic love, shaming, and codependency of my mother; for some reason (namely, being the perpetual guilt i feel for being her daughter), even nearing my mid-20s, i cannot bring myself to lovingly stand my ground against her belittling, her insults, or the fear-based psyche she has passed down to me along with her eyes, lips, and skin. i’m so tethered to it that it is difficult for me to fathom the possibility that i am capable of carving out a life that will allow me to be free from the weight of her suffocating and almost-ominous presence. i am tethered to the notion that i am undesirable, to the shadowy femcel complex i have instilled in the deepest corners of my psyche, that in the words of one of my wisest, most beloved mutuals –
“Sometimes the way you treat yourself is like a pushy, sweaty, entitled virgin. Pawing at yourself to put out and then sulking and criticizing when you didn’t get enough. Its very unfair to yourself who is still learning that it’s safe to express.”
i am tethered to the psychological, diametrically opposed dichotomy of my biggest fears – the fear of, what if everything works out? but also the fear of, what if it never does?
another mutual of mine who i genuinely consider to be an expert layperson in the religion of love discussed the oft-repeated pessimistic attitudes and fears we as a society have begun to mentally cultivate when it comes to love:
as i’ve been in this process of healing and shedding toxicity, i’ve noticed that i am tethered to that dual-fear mindset especially concerning matters of the heart. my mind panics in frenzied, conflicting whispers about its deepest paranoia that has been settled in my nervous system for as long as i can remember:
what if i do meet the most incredible, grounded, spiritually aligned man?
what if he is the love of my life, my husband, the father of my children?
what will i [inevitably] do to ruin it?
what if i never meet him at all?
what if he doesn’t exist?
being tied to such mental turmoil is a sign of being tethered – tethered to toxicity, tethered to codependency (whether with others or within the shadowy parts of one’s self), tethered to the comfort that lies in stagnation and against the scary yet ultimately freeing feeling of letting go. we’re tethered to being tethered, because freedom and letting go ultimately means that, even if briefly or temporarily, you are untethered, unmoored, without the earth underneath your feet to stabilize or anchor you. but sometimes being threatened with the very real possibility of drowning is when we ultimately learn how to treat water and, soon after, to swim. and to let go of the rafters or railings that ultimately keep us tethered.
I’m going to pray for your success tonight, in untethering yourself.