Today, I did a lot for myself - I worked out, I got a ton of schoolwork done, I continued to work on personal things I needed to work on, and I started watching a fantastic new show.
So I’m watching Yellowstone, and Beth Dutton is my new obsession. The way she walks, the way she speaks and her little famous one-liners, the way she’s so quickly able to captivate people. I want to be that SO bad, but I’m so fucking scared.
I’ve NEVER been allowed to be like that. I’ve never been able to just pop off at the mouth whenever I want to, and I’ve never been able to twist it and use it to get what I want like her.
I’m actually writing this in real time to the last episode of season one. The way she just pinned Walker up against a wall and kissed him; fully captivated him to the fullest extent that a man can be held captive by his deepest, must guttural stirrings and primal instincts…I’ve never been able to even come close to being able to do that.
I want to be that more than anything, but I don’t know how to. I don’t even know how to be, period.
One of my mutuals was telling me about doing shadow work and working with my throat chakra; another was telling me to work on speaking up in class more and that that will make me feel more comfortable with the sound of my own voice. One even brought up improv classes, because they specialize in teaching people the art of letting go.
Is that it? That I just don’t ~do~ enough? I spend so much time thinking and theorizing and not enough doing. Spending all this time thinking about how I can be more interesting and enrapturing, theorizing how to be more mysterious and captivating, and how I can attract more X-Y-Z fill-in-the-blank into my life. And, while that’s all well and good, it’s just not as effective as just doing. Looking at a man over my shoulder with a certain glimmer in my eye. Pinning him up against the wall (or stable door) and planting the biggest kiss onto his lips. Wearing the most sheer sundress I can find and dancing at the local dive, loud bass-heavy music ringing in my ear drums. Just like Beth.
But my spiritualist friend was right - that stuff is lingering right beneath the surface and I could - should, and can - bring it out into the open.
I have a tiny little Beth Dutton in the center of my chest, the pit of my stomach, and between my legs. That terrifies yet amplifies me.
Let’s see what I can do, and who I can become.